


Chasing the Clouds

by semipai



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt, Hurt and comfort, and so is the mc, lolol, saeyoung is hurt, there's so much innuendos in this one chapter, this book is 99 percent angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-08-12 14:49:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 19,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7938673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/semipai/pseuds/semipai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>❝I kind of, sort of, really liked you.❞</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ｢log code; prologue｣ || day 11, 11.34 pm

_The person you like is the 707 in the chatroom, not me..!'_

If I had to describe what those words of his were like to me, in one single word, I'd say;  _scarring._

Seven's words were like scars to my heart that had been in love with him from day one.

He had a point, and yet...

_It wasn't fair._

Nonetheless, here I went on, living my life and being unable to get my head away from thoughts about him.

The party was such a huge success, and I had done my job well.

I had the members of the RFA to thank, of course.

But I could not get the thought out of my head, that Seven had clearly pointed out that we do not get involved with each other.

I had no idea what I did wrong.

Zen had told me that I was over-reacting. He told me that it would be a matter of time before we got used to each other in person, as well.

Jumin seemed to be a little hesitant about it, but that might have been because Jaehee thought the same.

In the end, Yoosung was right.

Being in love with Seven was like chasing the clouds.


	2. ｢log 01/13｣ • day 12, 11.56 pm

When your love is rejected by the person that you love the most... When you are betrayed by someone who you were close to....

You'd start blaming yourself. You'd hide yourself... and close your heart.

I could feel that Seven was going through something that made it hard to get over.

But if he continues to push people who love him away...

I don't know how long I could take it.

Saying that Seven was everything I had ever wanted wouldn't be a lie.

He really was.

And he  _is_ , present tense.

Taking part in the conversations in the chatroom felt heartbreaking today, and I had a feeling that Zen and Yoosung noticed.

But maybe, that was because they had nothing else to do rather than butt into other's business like Jumin had said some time back.

When I told Yoosung that he had made a diary log for me so that I could write down what I was feeling, he had told me that he thought Seven really  _did_  have feelings for me.

"That's so romantic! He made an app just for you!" Yoosung had sung in his happy voice in a call a while ago.

But of course, I couldn't tell him what Seven had said to me right before he installed the app for me.

_"If you want to say things like you love me and all those other fantasies, you can write this here instead of telling them to me."_

Jumin had planned on holding another party in the middle of next year, and everyone was super hyped about it.

Sometimes, I would wish that I fell in love with Zen, or even Jumin instead.

_Would my heart still ache if I did that?_

I could remember him sitting in one corner of this room on day 8, glancing to where I am every five seconds.

Zen had asked him to grow a pair and admit his feelings already.

I don't think Zen knows what he really feels.

Heck, even  _I_  don't know what he feels, deep down.

He would put on his earphones and ask me not to bother him... And hours later when I stubbornly give him a call, he'd ask me why I would call when I could just say whatever I wanted to directly.

_Seven, you idiot._

My phone gives a beep, and I see that it is a notification that a new chatroom has opened. When I open the app, I see that Jumin and Zen were the only ones present.

Deciding that they were probably fighting about cats, I put my phone down.

What really was the reason of me being there if Seven wasn't around, anyway?

Even though he asked me to stick with the RFA.... Even if he thanked me for being there...

I drift off to sleep thinking about what he had told me on day five.

_'There's no way I have lovey-dovey feelings for someone. Lol.'_


	3. ｢log 02/13｣ • day 13, 09.36 pm.

What exactly  _is_  love?

Is it a feeling? An emotion?

If so, how do you  _give_  love to other people?

Or... if it is possible to give it... Then how would you  _prove_  it?

Was I doing it wrong?

If I asked Seven what love was, he'd probably make a face and repeat what he had told me once before.

"It's a kind of thing I don't do", is probably what he'd say.

Over the last week, he has stayed with me, in the same apartment as I was, eyeing me every ten seconds while working.

_"After everything is over and you are safe, we won't see each other again."_

If that was the case, why was he trying to keep me safe?

_"God... I don't know if you're just lighthearted or just dumb."_

I wonder if Zen thinks falling in love is dumb?

If it was, then I  _really_ was dumb.

_"People who get curious without knowing anything, just thinking it'll be alright... really make me tired."_

_"Just like you."_

I wonder if he has access to what I am writing on his diary app.

_"That's strange. I don't want to get close to you at all. But why do you think so?"_

I guess not.

And after he had saved his twin brother Saeran, he had thanked me for sticking with the RFA.

And even when Yoosung nudges him afterwards and asks him to express his feelings, Seven glances at me for a couple seconds before he puts his headphones on and walks off.

Well, Jumin Han, your bet is wrong.

Seven does  _not_  believe in having feelings.

Or was it me?

I could never have even guessed that from everyone that ever existed... Luciel Choi would be the one I would fall for.

And as I read some of my past chats with the others, I come across the chat where he had revealed his real name.

I wonder if he preferred the name Luciel over Saeyoung?

I'd never know.

There are crumbs of Honey Buddha Chips near my desk, at the corner of the apartment, in the kitchen... Empty cans of Dr.Pepper and crusts of bread are still at the end of the trash bin.

My entire apartment had traces of Seven...

Zen didn't have to worry about me and Seven being in the same apartment, not even a little bit.

He didn't even bother to look at me, for one. What else could have happened anyway?

And it has only been 48 hours since he had left.

Only God knows how I will tolerate this for the rest of my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I FINALLY finished Saeyoung's route yesterday, it was absolutely a sad and feelsy ride and I fell for him more and more as the days went on... sobs
> 
> This book doesn't follow the same timeline as the game. In this, Seven goes to save Saeran on his own after leaving the mc to attend the part without him lol. But ya what happens to Seven and Saeran and V and all that still happens tho
> 
> This book is my take on what would happen if Seven opening up takes a bit more than just a couple days! I hope that even if I changed some bits to fit the story, you guys still enjoy it. I love you guys a lot!


	4. ｢log 03/13｣ • day 14, 15.44 pm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u guys are giving this book so much support it really gives me so much muse to go on with this! thank you. ♥

Walking into Rika's apartment was like walking into a hellhole, knowing that I would start thinking about Seven as soon as I did.

I could distract myself with something else when I am outside, but as soon as I step in, the traces of him having stayed here... That just makes it impossible.

So when I receive a call from Jaehee as I pass the security camera, I am relieved and I pick up the call.

But before she can go into details, I find Zen coming out of the lift, panting.

"Oh, there you are! God, it's my first time here." He says, coming up to me and taking a moment to catch his breath.

"Is that Zen's voice I hear?" Jaehee speaks. "If so, he will tell you the details."

Zen takes a couple seconds and leans against the wall. He then grabs my arm and drags me back into the lift.

"Zen, wait-" My sentence is interrupted, and I drop my bag before the lift closes on us.

"I blame Jumin Han for this too. He's always keeping classified information all to himself. I can't believe he didn't tell you, not when he knows how you feel about Seven."

"Eh? Zen, what are you talking about?" I cry, breaking into a nervous sweat. From the way he spoke, I could tell he didn't have good news with him.

"Jaehee asked me to explain, didn't she? I'm kinda bad at explanations, but listen up."

 

* * *

 

A two-hour drive later, Zen and I arrive at one of the most renowned private hospitals in the whole country.

"Twenty bucks says the trust fund kid pays the bills." Zen jokes, while we race up to the fifteenth floor of the building. The artificial smell of disinfectant and bonsai plants waft around as I make it to the room labelled 452.

_Do I even have the permission to walk in?_

But I didn't need to go inside.

Seven is sitting on the sofa which was right outside the room.

And when he sees me, his eyes go wide, before he shoots a glare at Zen.

"I'm going to give you two a minute. Don't hesitate." Zen urges, patting my back and pushing me a little.

Seven waits until the lift closes before he speaks.

"Why are you here?"

And when I stare at the way there is bandage rolled all over his right hand, I can barely get a grip to hold myself upright.

"Why did you do this?" I have to ask.

He eyes me as I sit one seat away from him, and replies in a husky voice.

"I told you. I had to save Saeran."

"I know you did. I asked you to take me with you, and you left like that saying you didn't want my help. You're hurt, Seven. Why do you always do reckless things like this?"

"Why are you here? You should leave. I told you we can't meet again, but you-"

"You wouldn't even give me a chance to prove how I feel... That's harsh and cold of you, Seven."

There is silence as we both take in what I had said; even  _I_  am surprised at the way the words flowed out so smoothly out of my mouth.

From the corner of my eyes, I see him looked down at his feet, his gaze unwavering.

To think that I was in love with him....To think that being in love would hurt so bad...

I might as well have deleted the RFA app, and downloaded another game instead.

But  _no_. I just  _had_  to stay. And listen to the way the next words of his spill out.

"Then hate me."

"Do you even care the least bit about someone's feelings? Or is it just me?"

"I..."

I am thankful that he was not standing in front of me, because if he did, I was sure he would see the tears that had started to collect at the corner of my eyes.

"I already told you that I don't care about your feelings, didn't I?" The trailed-off voice from before turns back to a rough voice, and the tears begin spilling down my eyes. A sigh escapes from his mouth, and when I turn to glance at him, I see that he is staring back at me, his gold eyes glistening under the dimly lit lights.

"Stop wasting your feelings on someone like me."

_I heard that line before..._

_I can't let it get to me again..._

_Zen would say that to encourage me, but... Does he know how it feels like?_

When he stands up and retires back into his room, I sit still, unable to move.

Or rather, I don't know how I can move.

I take my hand off from my face when I hear the sound of a packet to my right.

And it is Seven, placing a Honey Butter Chip packet beside me.

"The ride back will take a while. You can have it on the way."

And once again, the door shuts;  _a wall separating us once again._


	5. ｢log 04/13｣ • day 15, 13.44 pm.

If 'Harsh' was Seven's middle name, then 'Stubborn' was mine.

I refused to go back to the apartment with Zen.

So after he had left after begging ten million times, I get some dinner before I fall asleep on the couch.

I had no idea that Seven would be the one who woke me up at 8 am.

"What are you doing here?!" His voice echoes through the hallway, as he facepalms.

"You... You just don't learn, do you? I told you not to bother me!"

That hurt.

"Anyway... Come on." He grabs hold of my wrist and pulls me into his room.

The smell of antiseptic fills the room, and I watch as he asks me to sit on the couch before he walks to the telephone.

His voice is a whisper and I do not hear what he says before he hangs up the phone and sits on the bed.

"Zen brought you here, right?"

"He did."

"I will kill him."

"Seven... You're sick and you have to stay here... Somebody needs to stay with you, you don't have family right now, and you're in need of one."

"I told you, we can't be family, or even friends. Stop trying to barge into my life that way, I told you it would just be meaningless."

_Oh, Seven..._

_You only told me what I already knew._

_I knew it... But it still hurts when you say it that way..._

"But I still want to-"

"Please leave me alone." He says. I can feel an ache in my stomach at that, as I watch him stare back at me.

Before I can reply, there is a knock on the door before a nurse steps in, holding a paper bag in hand.

Seven points to me, and the nurse hands the bag to me before she leaves after wishing us a good day.

I doubt today would be a good day.

"Please just... Eat that and go home. Ugh, Zen should have taken you with him instead of leaving you alone!" He rages, slamming the pillow beside him with his free hand.

"I'm calling Jumin."

There is another knock on the door, and another nurse steps in.

"Mr Choi? Yes, your brother has regained consciousness."

The expression on Seven's face softens and he stands up with a jolt.

"Please just go home and be safe. Please." He begs before he steps outside; leaving me sitting inside his room, all alone.

He keeps on doing that... And yet...

I keep on loving him harder and harder as the days pass by.

Feelings are very,  _very_  strange.

Even though I know I should just give up and leave...

My legs don't have the will.

And even knowing that Seven would be mad at me again when he sees that I didn't leave... That doesn't stop me from sitting there.

I must be a masochist.

A  _lousy_  one, at that.

Seconds turns into minutes and I sit, staring at the clock ticking several times before the door opens.

And Seven steps in, looking as miserable as I felt.

"Seven..."

"Oh. You're still here." He says in a hoarse voice... A voice I don't even recognise anymore.

He didn't look happy, and I decided that it would be best for me to step outside for a while.

Before I could pass outside, he speaks up again.

"Saeran asked me to leave."

I would be lying if I said that I understood how he felt inside. I didn't. But I could tell that it would hurt him badly.

I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him it would be okay... That his brother would accept him over time... That things would be better, the sooner he left his Agency.

But knowing him...

I stand, one foot outside the room, glancing back to where he stood, one hand in his pocket, and the other holding one ear of his headset.

"I really don't deserve to be loved, do I?"

_For someone to think something like that..._

I couldn't even think of the hardships he would have gone through, to believe that deep within.

"Seven, don't say that..."

"I left my brother... And I want to save him now, but I'm just someone who doesn't deserve it anymore. I can't do anything useful. I've been wasting my money doing dark things and in the end... I don't remember a single day I was happy."

And as he continues to talk, the tears streaming down my face increase...  _How does he endure all that, when I break down just by hearing the words?_

So when I step back inside, tossing the paper bag away, he lifts his gaze up and watches the way my arms wrap around his neck.

Of course, it wasn't enough.

I might have thought that after being pushed away for so long... that being in his embrace would make me feel so good, that I could die.

But it wasn't enough...

"It's not enough..." I whisper into his jacket, the warmth of his body heating my skin that had been cold from the cooling units.

"Why do you keep making this harder for me?" He whispers back, to my head, gripping my arms tight and pushing me away from him.

"Because I love you. You don't just leave the people you love alone, Seven." My voice cracks as I speak, and his eyes waver as he loosens his grip.

"I hope things work out with your brother soon." I wish him luck, grabbing my purse and walking out.

And this time, he doesn't say anything to stop me; and watches the way I walk further and further away from him.

As if he has no intentions of ever making me stay.


	6. [ log 5/13 ] || day 16, 06.57 pm

My hands are trembling as I write this log down on this app.

Thinking back, Seven made this app so that I could write down my feelings here instead of saying it to him.

And even though I decided that I wouldn't use it because he made it for such a hurtful reason, here I am, writing on this every single day.

I think this app might have had an opposite effect on me and is making me bolder.

It still hurts the same, that's for sure.

Today, during lunch hour, Zen calls me to let me know that Seven got discharged a while ago.

He also lets me know that Seven had already left back home, and to calm down and sit back in my chair.

Gee, I wonder how he knew.

Zen continued to go on and on about how it was all Jumin's fault that Jaehee was forced to wait until this late to inform us.

Sometimes, I can understand why Zen hates Jumin so much.

Talk about the devil and he shows up; I get a call on my cellphone from the notorious Jumin Han right then.

"Don't cut my call just to talk to that je-", is the last thing I hear from Zen before I pick up Jumin's call.

"It's me. Jumin Han."

"Yes. What's wrong?"

"I would like you to give me your bank account number."

Jumin lets me know that as the current head of the RFA, he would make sure to take care of all of its members and make sure they have everything they needed for work, their health, and whatnot.

After thirteen minutes of me denying the money, his voice becomes grim.

"If you don't give the number right now, I will kick you out of the RFA, and no, I am not joking."

If voices could kill, there goes my soul, to oblivion.

And so, between gritted teeth, I spit out the digits, before the satisfied voice of Jumin Han wishes me a good day and hangs up.

I think I fell asleep right then before I wake up to the sound of the apartment door getting banged loudly.

With drowsy eyes, I peek out from the peephole, only to see two police officers.

Wait.  _Police_  officers?

When I call out to them and ask what they need, they let me know that I am arrested for credit card fraud.

Arrested?

_Me?!_

_Wait a minute..._

With my heart thumping around like crazy from the continuous knocks on the door, I log into my bank account online; only to see that Jumin has very generously transferred a quarter of a million bucks to my account.

_Thanks a bunch, Mr.Han._

"Open this door right away, otherwise we will have to resort to force!!'

My fingers can barely hold the weight of my phone as I punch in Jumin's number.

Before the call connects, I hear the security system activate, and a confused-looking Seven steps in followed immediately by the two police officers.

"Hey... What's going in here?" His voice echoes when he sees the helpless look on my face.

And when I let him know what Jumin has done, he scrunches his face and asks the officers to give him a minute.

He then walks to one corner of the apartment and begins hissing into his phone while the two police officers stare at me like two hungry hawks in a desert.

"Here." Seven hands the phone, and it looked like Jumin did some successful convincing; the officers apologise and take their leaves.

I must have looked like I swallowed a sock because Seven places a hand on my left shoulder.

"You okay? They left... And they won't come back." He confirms. It takes me a couple seconds to get over the shock, and my gaze is set on Seven's right hand that had been rolled by some bandage.

_Was he okay? How was he feeling now? Did Saeran talk to him?_

"Er... I'll get you some water, so please calm down." His tone is full of worry, and I sit down at my desk, my head throbbing irrationally.

_Why was Seven here? He was discharged at noon, did he come straight from the hospital? Did he just come here to say more things to break my heart again? Things he forgot to mention earlier?_

My head reels as I think about these things, and Seven appears with a glass of water from the kitchen.

"Are you scared? It was just a misunderstanding so they won't come back..."

And when I continue to just stare at his hand, Seven lets out a loud sigh, as if in defeat.

"Alright. I'll pack your backpack. You'll stay at my place for today until you calm down a bit."

And as I glance at him walking to my room while cursing, I can only send my gratitude to the one and only Jumin Han.

You're a blessing, Jumin.

And now, we have arrived at Seven's place, and he just told me to put my phone away and help him with the bags.

I better go prepare myself for some angst.


	7. [ log 6/13 ] || day 17, 09.23 am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> imp note at the end, dont miss out!

 

I was right.

No sooner did we enter his place, Seven ushers me to his room and locks himself away with his computer system.

"Don't get the wrong idea," He had said. "Stay in my room, and don't come over here."

_Ouch._

"I don't have the time to stay until you feel better, I have a lot of work to do." He had added. "So don't bother me and relax. You can leave when you've calmed down."

Even if it  _is_  for work... Seven sure does know how to kill some feelings of mine.

On a chatroom a couple hours after we came here, Yoosung asks if he can come over to play LOLOL, only to be shot down by Seven.

And when the boy finds out that I was here as well, he is even more excited to come over.

"It's a shame I can't come over! I only saw you once, after all... Anyways! I hope things work out for you and Seven!" He had wished us well.

Too bad he doesn't know that Seven hasn't even once lifted his gaze away from the computer screen since we came here.

_Why am I even here? Did I really think that me coming over would change anything? Seven is still the same person, forcefully pushing me away the more I try to get closer to him..._

_'Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Why do you hurt yourself so much this way?'_

_'He's not going to change...'_

_'I wish he would give in, this is so sad...'_

_'You have no choice but to kill your emotions._

My head reels as I think about all the different things that the RFA members had told me, and they were right.

But for once... How badly I wished that they were wrong.

This really can't be the end of us, could it?

Taking out the Arabic dictionary on one of his shelves, I step out of Seven's room and walk outside. And as I had guessed, he didn't even notice that I had left, much less came back with my hands full of grocery bags.

His fridge, I see, is stocked with cans, and cans, and more cans of Dr.Pepper. All the kitchen drawers are filled to the brim with potato chips.

_Dear Lord, is this the only thing he ever eats?_

As I make space and stock the fridge with juice, milk, and fruit, I wonder what Jumin would think if he finds our that this is what I'm doing with the money he had very generously deposited for me.

When I finish preparing toast- I also had to buy a pan because God forbid he has any- I step out to call Seven for breakfast.

This is when I find out that he is asleep, resting his head on the keyboard. His computer screen is black, showing it was idle for quite a while now.

I wish I could write here that I put a blanket over him and retreated back to doing whatever I was supposed to do.

But no, I chose to drag the swivelling chair in his room all the way outside, and I sit beside him.

_He's so pretty, I could cry._

_Oh Seven, look how amazing it feels when you don't have to say hurtful things to me._..

I give in to temptation and run my fingers through his fine red-orange hair. His glasses had come off a little loose, and I wished that I could see his golden irises right then.

"Careful what you wish for," Jaehee had advised me once, and I really should have listened.

Because Seven wakes up right then, his squinty eyes locking with mine before they go wide.

"What?!" He cries, jolting up. His glasses come off to the keyboard, and he continues to stare at me wide-eyed; as if waiting for a reaction.

I stand up and hand him his glasses, not wanting to explain myself.

Or rather, I didn't know  _how_  I could explain myself.

And when I walk to the kitchen, he follows me, his eyes widening further when he sees the food.

"You... Did you?"

"I did." I confirm.

"Why?"

"Please just calm down and eat."

To my surprise, Seven sits down and begins to pour maple syrup over his toast.

I sit down beside him with coffee, and he lets me know that the food is good.

I wonder if it is his goal in life to make sure that I don't smile, because when I smile after hearing his comment, there is something he has to add.

"Are you doing this to force me to like you?"

Now  _that_  fully wipes off the smile on my face.

"That is really a very horrible thing to say, Seven. I genuinely made this for you because I was concerned for your health, and because I wanted to."

And I step outside the kitchen, back to his room, where I lay, crying my eyes out.

I think I heard the security system lock sometime ago, but I have no will to go out and check.

Maybe I should have listened to Jumin and killed  _my_  feelings, instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick question;
> 
> angst ending or fluff ending?
> 
>  
> 
> or both? wiggles eyebrows


	8. [ log 7/13 ] || day 18, 19.22 pm

_So close, yet so far_.

I could extend my hand out and he would be within my reach.

But that's the thing.

Seven was within my reach.... But if I grabbed him, he can easily take a step forward... and I won't have a hold of him anymore.

We almost became the person without whom we could never, ever live in peace.

We almost showed everyone that love transcends everything else.

How it's so painful...and yet...  _We almost knew what love was._

But of course... Almost is never enough.

I was up for a surprise.

When I stepped out today, after swallowing up my misery, I see two sticky notes stuck to Seven's room door.

One is in blue ink and reads _"I'm sorry. If I'm not home when you come out, I'm visiting Saeran. Don't go home if I'm not here, ok?"_

The other is in green ink, reading  _"Please eat this... You haven't had anything since breakfast yesterday..."_ , and there is an arrow pointing downwards. I look down to see two sandwiches wrapped in plastic-- looks like he used some from the roll I bought yesterday.

When I step out to the living room, Seven is not home. Remembering the note, I assume that he had gone to visit his brother again.

I do not feel like cooking, but having the intuition that he might come soon makes me glance at the clock- half past noon- and I decide to make lunch.

I am barely done dicing vegetables when Seven returns. I guess he heard the noise of stir-frying because he makes his way to the kitchen and leans against the doorpost.

And when he sees me, he takes his headphones off and stares at what I am doing.

The more I see him, the more I remember the things he had said to me over the course of the past two weeks.

He could deny it as much as he wanted to but in time, his feelings would show in the most minor things he'd do.

That never stopped him from denying it, though.

And that was the painful part.

 _We_ _were_ _so_ _close_ _to_ _being_ _in_ _love_ _._

"Good afternoon," I say, tossing the noodles into the pan.

"Yeah..." His voice trails off and he sits behind the counter, watching me cook.

Being around Seven always kept me on my toes, but him watching me cook made it a thousand times worse. I almost burn my fingers in the process, before I am able to plate a serving for him.

"Eat it while it's hot." I advise, putting the pan back on the stove. Seven's gaze is set on the noodles while I pour some juice for him.

Not wanting a repentance of what happened yesterday, I put my apron away and get ready to retire to the safety of my room- well, it is  _Seven's_  room, and it feels safe, so I don't really mind- right away.

 _Oh_ _Seven_ _,_ _you_ _save_ _everyone_ _..._

 _But_ _who's_ _going_ _to_ _save_ _you_ _?_

 _Because_ _sooner_ _or_ _later_ _,_ _we'd_ _wonder_ _why_ _we_ _gave_ _up_ _on_ _each_ _other_ _..._

"Come eat with me." He grabs my wrist when I walk past him. With a single force, he pulls me beside him.

"Please... Eat with me... And hear me out."

 _It's_ _sick_ _,_ _this_ _weakness_ _I_ _have_ _for_ _him_ _._

 _Sick_ _,_ _I_ _tell_ _you_ _._

Seven eats a forkful of noodles and praises my cooking once again. And even though I know he is saying that only because that was the most decent reaction, I give him a nod to know I acknowledge his polite gesture.

"It's not working with Saeran..." He begins, his expression turning sour.

"And I keep messing up..."

His voice is unbearably sad, and I can barely keep a straight face as I sit in front of him, on the other side of the counter.

"I'm screwing up... At the agency, with the RFA, with Saeran... With you..."

Drinking a sip of mango juice does not relieve me from the churning in my stomach.

"I know how wrong what I said to you was... I really should not be involving you in my life, especially now that things are clean and settled."

"What do you want, Seven? Just listen to what you want for once, instead of what you  _have_  to."

For the first time today, he looks up from the plate and locks his hard gaze on mine.

I shouldn't be terrified by the eyes of the person I love, should I?

Reality is such a weird thing.

"Do you really feel that I don't have any feelings?" He wants to know.

 _Seven_ _..._

"Of course I have feelings. I love my brother. I cherish everyone in the RFA... And... I have feelings for you, too... I just..."

And even though he had hinted things like that before, him saying it makes me feel a little relieved.

"Are you happy that I joined the RFA?"

"I am blessed that you did... You have no idea how thankful I am. Not only did you help host a successful party, but you also helped me save Saeran... I would never have gotten the will if I didn't meet you."

Seven's fingers tremble a little as he scoops another forkful of noodles.

I should be happy that he was saying these things... But I knew that he was saying them only because he was feeling vulnerable right then.

"I hope you stay in the RFA and continue this... We're all so thankful so, please... Stay."

"But Seven... What about us? What about you and me?"

Very carefully, Seven places his fork down and lifts his gaze to meet mine...

And I see that his eyes are now teary and helpless.

"What am I going to do?" He chokes. "This is so hard for me, doing the opposite of what I want to... I  _want_  to love you, I  _want_  my brother back, I  _want_  my way out of the Agency... I can't take this anymore..."

And this time, it is my hands that are trembling as I stand up, walk up to him, and embrace him; his head leaning against my stomach.

"Please... Save me..." He whispers.

 _How_ _can_ _I_ _save_ _you_ _when_ _I_ _can't_ _even_ _stop_ _crying_ _?_

"Stay... Stay with us... With me." His voice is muffled against me, and I can barely stand with the overwhelming emotions taking over me.

"And please... Save me..." His voice is so hoarse, that I can barely make out the words anymore. His arms wrap around my waist, and I run a hand through his hair, frantically wondering what to say to make him feel better.

In the end, I was as hopeless as he felt.

"I can't tolerate it here anymore. I left Saeran, now I don't deserve him back... I would hate it if I left you and end up not deserving you again... I want to go far, far away from here..." He lifts his face up, and I notice that my shirt has gotten damp from where Seven had his face pressed.

"Will you come with me?"


	9. [ log 8/13 ] || day 19, 22.02pm

It was as if I was getting asked if I wanted to kill myself or get killed by Seven himself.

 _How_ _can_ _I_ _choose_ _to_ _run_ _away_ _with_ _him_ _,_ _knowing_ _full_ _well_ _that_ _he_ _won't_ _be_ _happy_ _inside_ _without_ _his_ _family_ _?_

Seven was finally saying all the things that I wanted to hear...

And I had nothing to blame except myself, as I asked him for time to think about it.

My legs become weak when I remember the painfully sad expression on his face.

 _For_ _him_ _to_ _decided_ _that_ _he_ _doesn't_ _deserve_ _love_ _,_ _and_ _family_ _..._ _For_ _him_ _to_ _head_ _to_ _the_ _idea_ _of_ _living_ _a_ _fake_ _life_ _..._

 _Even_ _though_ _he_ _wants_ _me_ _to_ _be_ _with_ _him_ _as_ _he_ _does_ _,_ _how_ _could_ _I_ _?_

 _How_ _could_ _I_ _let_ _the_ _person_ _I_ _love_ _go_ _live_ _a_ _lie_ _with_ _me_ _?_

 _A_ _lie_ _where_ _he_ _could_ _never_ _be_ _the_ _person_ _he_ _is_ _deep_ _down_ _,_ _the_ _person_ _who_ _deserves_ _all_ _the_ _love_ _in_ _the_ _world_ _..._

 _How_ _could_ _I_ _be_ _selfish_ _enough_ _to_ _keep_ _him_ _all_ _to_ _myself_ _,_ _and_ _let_ _him_ _stay_ _,_ _with_ _scars_ _?_

 _How_ _could_ _I_ _put_ _bandage_ _over_ _his_ _scars_ _,_ _instead_ _of_ _healing_ _them_ _when_ _I_ _had_ _the_ _chance_ _?_

"I can't let you run away from your responsibilities anymore" I announce, standing beside his computer screen.

He saves his files before he shuts his computer screen. He then stands up to face me and I see that his stern expression softens to an expressionless look.

"But I told you that I can't anymore... Don't you see? I tried so hard..."

And that's when it hits me.

 _Just_ _how_ _many_ _times_ _would_ _he_ _have_ _had_ _to_ _put_ _a_ _happy_ _mask_ _on_ _,_ _even_ _though_ _he_ _was_ _hurting_ _inside_ _?_

 _How_ _many_ _times_ _would_ _he_ _save_ _people_ _..._ _Knowing_ _that_ _he_ _would_ _always_ _remain_ _as_ _the_ _person_ _saving_ _eve, but_ _never_ _be_ _saved_ _in_ _return_ _?_

This time, he does not push me away, when I wrap my arms around his shoulders.

Or rather he was  _tired_  of always doing what he  _had_ to do, all along.

"Please don't give up. Saeran is your brother. If you don't take care of him, no one else will." I take a pause, knowing what I said next would hurt him.

But some things just had to be said out loud, no matter how hurtful they are; Jumin once told me that, and he was right.

"Do you want Saeran to live a lonely and sad life like you have been, for all this time?"

I don't know how much time passed as he waited... And waited... And waited some more before giving a response.

"I would never."

"Then don't give up on Saeran. Don't give up on us. We love you, Seven. So please stop talking about running away, when all the things that mean everything to you are right here, waiting for you to-"

My sentence is broken off when I feel Seven's arms wrap around my back.

 _How_ _beautiful_ _it_ _is_ _,_ _that_ _your_ _heart_ _could_ _have_ _been_ _shattered_ _into_ _millions_ _of_ _pieces_ _..._ _But_ _it_ _takes_ _one_ _person_ _to_ _glue_ _them_ _back_ _,_ _stronger_ _than_ _it_ _had_ _ever_ _been_ _before_ _..._

"This life would kill me if I didn't have you." He whispers, tightening his embrace.

"My heart would break without you."

"Thank you... I'm going to go see Saeran again." He says, moving away. I see that he has a determined expression on his face. Tears that had rolled down still fresh, his eyes red and probably as squinty as mine...

But I  _believed_  in him.

"Yes. Good idea, Seven."

He wipes his face with the sleeve of his jacket and adjusts his glasses.

"Come with me." He urges, and this time, I can say yes without blinking an eye.

"I regret not taking you there before."

"Of course."

"Hopefully, being stubborn like you will work." He replies.

And as I watch the way he runs ahead before I can punch him, I have a profound thought, hitting me right them.

 _It_ _was_ _going_ _to_ _be_ _okay_ _._

 _I_ _had_ _found_ _the_ _love_ _of_ _my_ _life_ _._

And I took it as my duty to stick by him, whatever the odds.

So that he can remain as the person as he was, so that he isn't forced to change.

They say that people get broken... But I believe that nobody gets broken; they only get bent. And it takes the right person to fix them, and the person can learn to love again.

I get a call on my phone five minutes after Seven enters Saeran's room.

"He's asleep... But I want to stay till he wakes up."

"If that's what you want to do, then you should do it."

"Thank you... Should I ask Jumin or Zen to come and drop you off back home?"

"I'll wait for you."

There is silence on his end, and I have a feeling that he might be smiling, to himself.

"...Thank you."

As I clutch the phone tightly, I think back to the past few days; even though there is a piece of me that still aches, my trust in Seven transcends everything else.

I can only pray that things work out...

That I can see a smile on his face.

A  _genuine_ smile, no masks attached.

 


	10. [ log 9/13 ] || day 20, 23.59pm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> imp note at the end, do't miss out!!

Would God punish you for being _too_ hopeful?

Seven does not believe that He will.

Seven only believes that it is his own fault.

_Living with such a huge responsibility on his head... How could I take advantage of the vulnerable state that he was in?_

As we tumbled back home, I decide that it was time for me to pack up and go back to Rika's apartment.

Because I was sure that if I stayed any longer, I wouldn't be able to hold myself.

I love Seven... And I want him to love me back with no other strings attached.

Not because I was  _helping_  him, but because he had real  _feelings_  for me.

I had to admit that I was getting more and more impatient as the days passed, even though I was trying my hardest not to let it show.

As I watch the way he is leaning against the door, sulking, not moving a bit since we came, I can only wonder how he would be feeling.

For once...  _I_ _was_ _starting_ _to_ _doubt_ _that_ _things_ _would_ _be_ _okay_ _._

It was half past six when I prepared something for him to eat. With my backpack in hand, I make my way to the door.

Seven had still not moved an inch.

"Please go and eat something..." I beg, tugging him up from where he was sitting.

Instead of replying, he grabs my hand, and I end up dropping the backpack I had in my other hand.

I wish I could say that I was the stronger one between us... That I was able to beat some sense into his head...

That things had worked out.

But reality never works out that way, I should have learned that by now.

_His_ _hands_ _are_ _so_ _warm_ _held_ _within_ _mine_ _,_ _it_ _reaches_ _all_ _the_ _way_ _to_ _my_ _heart_ _._

I had never seen him so vulnerable before, and his hand is so soothing that I might have given into temptation...

If Yoosung's voice did not interrupt us.

"Seven! I came to visit!" The joyful voice of Yoosung's calls out.

The two of us exchange glances, not knowing how to respond.

"Er well. You guys might be out... I'm leaving some of the leftover Kimchi my mum made. Bye, guys!"

We find Yoosung waving to the security camera before he walks off.

Seven's grip on my hand tightens, and he rubs a sleeve over his face.

"I guess we need to eat Kimchi now." He jokes, chuckling a bit.

_I_ _need_ _to_ _leave_ _..._ _I_ _have_ _to_ _go_ _,_ _ASAP_ _._

_Otherwise_ _..._

It made me ashamed, how impatient and rushed I had become, because of the boy in front of me.

Getting the feeling that I might regret not properly expressing everything...

Even the fear of being shot down does not stop me from taking hold of a handful of his jacket.

"Seven... I'm in love with you."

How pathetic, I must have sounded, to have burst into tears as soon as the words slipped out.

And as I try to blink away the tears and wipe my face, Seven looks down at me, a puzzled expression on his face.

"God... How do I respond to that? Nothing has changed..." He says quietly.

_I knew that._

_I knew that well, but still..._

As I watched Seven open the door and take the bag Yoosung had left, I realise that I had already told him that several times...

But he had never properly said it back to me.

I should have known, that this was what I chose to do, and now he was trying his best.

I was only going to get in his way of becoming a happy, cheerful person.

And I wanted him to be happy, so, so happy.

_I just..._

I might have hoped that he would be happy with me, too.

And that's what I get, for rushing things.

"So I guess... I'll be leaving, now." I pick up my backpack and wipe my face. I had shown enough of my crying face to him.

He didn't need to see me cry anymore and feel guilty.

It was my fault, after all.

And yet...

Seven closes the door shut, and punches in the lock.

_"No... Please don't go yet."_

I should have left.

_"_ _Please_ _don't_ _leave_ _...._ _I_ _can't_ _do_ _this_ _on_ _my_ _own_ _anymore_ _."_

I  _should_  have.

" _Maybe_ _,_ _just_ _maybe_ _..._ _You_ _might_ _be_ _the_ _one_ _that_ _saves_ _me_ _."_

How can I say no to those words?

My legs are frozen when a teary-eyed Seven leans in and kisses me, on the lips.

_Will_ _I_ _get_ _punished_ _for_ _rushing_ _things_ _?_

I could worry all I want to, but really;  _I_ _could_ _drown_ _in_ _his_ _love_ _..._ _And_ _die_ _with_ _no_ _regrets_ _._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's 4 more chapters and the logs will be over!
> 
> next will start a 3-shot series of epilogues, focusing more on saeyoung's pov !! 많이 기다리 주세요 !!! :)


	11. [ log 10/13 ] || day 21, 03.16am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this book has 300 kudos i'm yelling !! author nim is y e l l i n g--

How beautiful it is; to find someone who loves you, even when you open up your heart and show all the countless flaws hidden inside of you.

How lucky I felt; as we melted together as one, in an embrace so strong, I didn't have a single worry left with me.

With Seven beside me, there was no room for me to fear anything.

His soft snores are relaxing as I now lie on the bed, beside him; his warm breath on my bare shoulders are soothing to my worry-filled heart, and I can close my eyes with nothing but happy thoughts.

_Did he give in...?_

Even though I didn't want to think about this, some things could just never leave my mind.

And yet, I am so blissful, over-whelmed.. all the words to define happy combined, that was me right now.

Outside, it was raining. Not just the small drizzly kind, but the heavy kind of down-pouring that sent everything scattering.

And in the cold harsh night, Seven keeps me warm.

Even his most casual gestures shoots an arrow through my heart. It's so cliche to say that, and yet, there was no lie, none at all.

"Don't be afraid... We belong together." I had whispered to him, and I could swear that under the dimly lit lights of his room, his eyes shined brighter than anything else.

The same eyes transfixed on mine, making my heart throb irrevocably.

I was overcome with indescribable feelings with my own words... But I could tell that it was perfect, so true, and so right... Even Seven could not deny that.

_"I'm so sorry."_

And he had then pulled me towards him, his hands pressed against my spine; his lips so gentle but firm on my own.

How many meanings does the word 'sorry' have?

Sadness... Wounds?

Misunderstandings and reflection...

Regret, or reconciliation?

There are countless emotions deep inside of when someone says the word 'sorry'...

But Seven was the kind of person who believes that words are not enough to express what you are feeling.

He believes that it is your  _actions_ that make everything work.

_"Come with me."_

As our fingers had intertwined, I knew that I had made the right choice; there was no room for doubts.

In the comfort of his room, the way his kisses trailed down to my neck and left me wanting nothing, but  _more_.

_"I will protect you, even if it costs my life."_

The way both our breaths had accelerated as we moulded into one... He didn't  _need_ to say the words back to me.

_"I won't let anyone else touch you."_

The worry that was plastered on his face when he had seen my hesitance... The way his grip tightened on my body...

_"I want to leave you evidence... that I existed."_

This was his way of speaking love to me.

I keep on heaving sighs of relief, whenever I close my eyes, I remember the expression on his face as he looked at me...

As if he was trying to express how he felt; not verbally, but  _physically_.

And he had done a good job of it.

How had let out a deep breath, burying his face on my bare chest... How he had looked up when he noticed my body rising unevenly, his eyes studying me so much that I tense up...

The way his eyes go wide when he sees the tears streaming down the corner of my eyes...

_"Why are you crying?"_

_Because I love you._

"These are happy tears." A smile forces its way on my face, and he rests beside me, ruffling my hair.

"Is this wrong of me to do?" He whispered, placing a hand over my body. Stiffening up at what he had said, I stay mum, not knowing what to say or do.

"If you think this is the right thing, then it is," I whispered back to him.

A small smile plasters on his face, and his embrace around me tightens; he looked as exhausted as I felt, and for the first time in my life, I watched the way he drifted off from consciousness to sleep.

And even now, as I write this log, he has his arm around my stomach... And I am itching to turn around to face him, but I am too afraid in case I might wake him up.

How beautiful he looks when he is asleep, and probably having only happy dreams.

That was all I wished for him, that he stayed happy, healthy, and unchanging; as he was.

Genuine happy, he deserved all of that.

And when I see the way his arms have scratches from when my nails had dug into his skin earlier... I am reminded of that fact that this was evidence that Seven and I had officially become one...

The way he wanted to; the way I wanted to.

The way  _we_ wanted to.

As I feel him shifting beside me, I can feel my fingers tremble at the thought that I would never, ever want him to read what I had written here on this log...

I'd die from embarrassment if he did... But I really had no regrets, no need to be ashamed anymore.

_Did he wake up?_

_I want to see his face..._

If being in love with Seven was like chasing the clouds, then I was on cloud nine.

 


	12. [ log 11/13 ] || day 22, 21.06pm

I'd like to think that I was the sunshine in Seven's life.

But there were some things I didn't take into account.

That sometimes...

_Sometimes, even sunshine gets lost in the rain._

My first clue was that when I woke up last morning, Seven was not home.

My clothes remained in the same pile that Seven and I had created the other night, and I get dressed before I step out.

Seven wasn't around, and there were no sticky notes, either.

_Maybe he forgot to leave a sticky note for me. He'll be back soon._

Now that, was my second clue.

And my next clue should have been the fact that my fully packed backpack was resting on the kitchen counter when I went for breakfast.

But of course, I was too stupid... Or maybe I knew all along, and yet... I didn't want to believe it?

Who knows.

What I know is that I am eating cereal when my cell phone begins to ring.

"Seven! Where are you right now? Hospital?"

I should have seen it coming when he lets out a long sigh.

"Yeah, I'm there. Saeran and I are coming."

"Eh, really? Should I clean the place up a bit and make something-"

"Actually no, I want you to leave."

It takes me a couple seconds to analyse what he had said...

And yet, I decided to go down the oblivious path.

"Oh, of course, you want some time with him since it's been way too long, yes, I understand! I'll be out right no-"

"You don't understand... I regret what we did last night. It was wrong of me."

Seconds turn into minutes, and I could hear Seven call my name and ask if I was still on the line.

_Was I the only person who had felt so much bliss?_

_Was I the only one who felt that we were one?_

_Was I at fault?_

"I have to take care of my brother... I... I don't think I can take responsibility for you too... I'm so sorry."

_Was it his brother's fault?_

_Was this happening because of Saeran?_

_No, I asked Seven to make up with his brother. I was the one that pushed him to._

_And he did it._

_He did it alright._

"I know that my apologies won't be enough... But I hope you understand. We're now climbing the car, and we'll reach there soon."

_Was it Seven's fault?_

_No, I was equally wrong, right?_

_I had given in, even though I knew full well how vulnerable he felt._

"But... Seven.... What about us?"

"I'm so sorry." He repeats in a soft voice. "Till later."

And that is the last thing I hear from him before the beeping noises of the phone bring me to my senses.

_I took advantage of his vulnerability.... And this is what I get._

_It's all my fault, not Seven's._

_He was hurt, because of his brother... I knew that and yet...._

And I couldn't sit around and cry, either.

Placing the cereal bowl in the dishwasher, I grab my backpack and run outside.

It wasn't fair that this had to happen at daytime because was sure a lot of people saw me crying.

_It's not fair._

_It's so unfair...._

And when I reach Rika's apartment, I see that Zen is waiting there, his cell phone in hand.

"Oh, there you are! You said you were at Seven's apartment and I was worried and wanted to check if you came ba- Why are you crying?!" He must have noticed my reddened eyes, and that moment was when I started sobbing, big baby sobs.

Panicking, Zen had helped me inside and continued to ask me what had gone wrong.

"I can't run to save you right now... But just know that I'm on the list of people who will." He had once told me, and I found myself telling Zen everything that had happened between us, starting from day one all the way until this morning.

As expected, Zen was sympathising towards me and called Seven a jerk.

"Don't you see? I am at fault there too, Zen... This is all my fault..."

_But why must this be my fault?_

_Is being in love a fault?_

_Is it worth being punished this hard?_

_Which sin am I paying for?_

"I want all of him, Zen." I cried.

The funny Seven that cracked jokes. The serious Seven who worked hard at what he had to. The sentimental Seven who loved his brother. The Seven that spoke to me in more ways than one last night.

I wanted all of him... Every single bit.

"I know, I know you do..." He had tried to comfort me, wrapping his arms around me.

Only, that reminded me of how warm and comforting Seven's embrace felt, and I ended up crying even harder.

"If you could say something to him now, anything, what would you say? Would you yell at him for using you? You can say anything."

"He didn't use me..." I wipe my face and explain.

I see the picture Yoosung had forced the two of us to take lying on my desk.

  
He looked stiff, and I looked like I was about to cry.

I should have known that all of this was a mistake, something to be sorry for.

_Me and Seven... Is this the end of us?_

_Was all this wishful thinking?_

_Seven and I were never a 'we'... We were always separate people, and I had the stupid wishful thinking that we were one._

_What a stupid sap I am._

_He's the one I love... And I have to say goodbye to him like this?_

"Well, what would you say?"

"I'd say...Seven, I love you so much that it's unbearable."

"You're unbelievable." Zen had said, and under my request, he had hoped that I would be OK soon and left.

But I doubt I would be OK anytime soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you hear that? that was the sound of my (and probs urs too) heart breaking into 285889823567 pieces soBs


	13. [ log 12/13 ] || day 23, 14.02 pm

_What if I met Seven in a different way?_

_What if I met him after Saeran was saved?_

_What if Seven lived a normal life, and then met me?_

_Would we have been happy together?_

_Would I have made him happy enough?_

_How long was I going to live with the thoughts, 'What if'?_

We had the chance; we had so many chances, at that.

I think it hurts more knowing that I gave it my all... And I thought Seven did too, but it was just my wishful thinking.

Too lazy to get up from my bed, there are empty soda cans sprawled beside my bed, crumbs of onion rings and crisps are all over my bed; and yet, I have no will to get up and eat anything.

It has been two days since I took a shower.

_It's my fault._

_I shouldn't have gone with him to his place._

_Why did I act childish just because of the police officers?_

He was only trying to be nice and took me to his place.

It definitely hurt less when I was alone in here before going to his place.

_Goddamit, it's all my fault, for ruining everything._

_If only I had approached him after he saved Saeran..._

_If only..._

As I look at the painkillers Zen had brought over earlier today, I am tempted by an unfamiliar force.

I don't even realise how many of the tablets I had taken in with one gulp.

But the minute afterwards, I regret what I did.

_If I die, I will never see Seven again._

And that thought makes me burst into even more tears.

It's so stupid, how pathetic I have become ever since I met him.

_What if I never met him?_

_Would my heart still bleed every time I close my eyes and imagine his beautiful face above mine?_

The way our lips connected, how warm it felt to be in his embrace, and how familiar it was for our skin to come in contact...

How his warm breath felt on my face, how I had to stand on my tip toes while he pulled me by the waist and kissed me...

Now that I know how it feels, I want so much more...

But now I can't have any of those, and that is killing me inside.

_How long will I stay like this?_

_How will I keep up with everything now?_

"Please eat proper meals and take care of yourself," They say.

_Easy for you to say._

_You didn't get your heart touched by the person you love, then have it thrown away harshly like mine did._

And the fact that it is all my fault...

That fact could be the death of me.

My head begins to spin, and I close my eyes, holding a pillow for dear life as I let out a low wail.

Spinning between sleep, wake, consciousness and unplanned naps, I was a mess, and my headache only got worse by the second.

_I should go see a doctor..._

I regret everything, starting from going with Seven, all the way to the medicines I had taken.

_Why am I hurting myself this way?_

"I know that you deeply love Seven, but he's a jerk and you more than anyone, should learn that by now." Zen's voice rings in my head, and I let out a sigh.

_I know, Zen._

_But... that doesn't change anything..._

_Seven is still Seven._

_He's still the person who'd make my heart race, the person who I want to impress, the person who can make me laugh, and feel so much love with just one glance._

_One or two things he does would never change my feelings for him._

_Feelings can't be changed that way, Zen._

_You're an actor, you should know that dammit_.

A loud cry escapes from my mouth and gets muffled by the pillow I had pressed against my face.

_Was I not being clear enough?_

_Did my feelings not reach Seven clearly?_

_But I had said it so many times..._

Being with him makes me so speechless, I can barely hold it in.

_What am I going to do now?_

_Do I go on with the RFA knowing that Seven would never want us to ever be together?_

_Will I have to live this way forever?_

_I want to die..._

As my phone lets out a ringing sound, I groan at the way the music which I used to love now sounded like a pain, a nuisance, and something I wanted to stop right away.

What was wrong with me?

_Oh God, stop ringing, will you?_

Assuming it was a call from Yoosung or Zen again, I reach a hand out to the drawer and pick up the phone...

And I almost cut the call, until I notice the caller ID and freeze.

_Seven._

_Seven was calling me._

_Why?_

_Why are you calling me?_

_To tell me something else like, 'Oh, I forgot to mention. I don't love you. I hate you.'?_

_What do you want, Seven?!_  A part of me screams while the other part aches to hear his voice.

Panic bubbles inside me as I slide my finger across the screen and pick up the call.

"Hello."

_Who knew a hello could melt my heart which I thought was dead inside?_

It was so awful, so pathetic; I couldn't even say anything in reply.

"Will you step outside? Saeran and I want to talk to you."

"Eh?"

"Please just... Come down. We're waiting here for you."

Once again, there is beeping on the line, and this time, I toss the phone on the bed and sit up for the first time in 48 hours.

_Seven is downstairs?!_

_With... Saeran?_

A part of me that was dying to see Seven's face runs straight to the bathroom to wash my face.

_Holy shit, I didn't take a shower dammit!_

As I struggle with the proper way to handle things, the sentimental part of me takes over my head.

_Don't go._

_He's just going to break your heart again._

_He's bringing Saeran... It'll be double the heartbreak._

_Don't go._

_Don't._

And yet, a small voice in my mind dominates everything else.

_Oh God, I want to see him so badly._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want you guys to know that every single one of your comments are very important for me, i read all of them, and i always get so motivated by them! thank you soooo much for reading this book.
> 
> quick question: 3 short chapter or one long chapter for epilogue?


	14. [ log 13/13 ] || day 24, 12.02 am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a note in the end !!

_This is a terrible idea._

_Don't do it._

My stomach feels like it is churning as I get dressed in a rush. Scowling at how cold it was, I run outside, locking the door behind me.

_Why do you keep on doing these things that hurt yourself?_

_Have you not learned your lesson by now?_

_Or do you just like getting hurt this way? Is that it?_

_Freaking masochist._

"Owwww." I put my hands over my stomach at the painful feeling and the misery I was going through only made everything ten times worse.

As told, Seven is waiting downstairs with Saeran. I see the two when I look out from the balcony, and I take in a deep inhale.

I was not able to get rid of the redness of my eyes, for one. It made me think; it's amazing that a human can go on crying for so long, yet never run out of tears.

I collect myself before I climb down the stairs and appear at the porch.

The twins are standing with their backs facing towards me, and my legs feel like jelly as I glance at the boy I was deeply in love with.

_Oh God, even if I pass out... Please let me pass out after I hear what they have to say._

_Dammit, if I pass out right now, how embarrassing would it be?_

_I'm going to die._

Not just because of my churning stomach, but because...

It felt as if I had forgotten the way his face looked.

He looks so much more gorgeous than he does in my thoughts, and I can barely keep myself calm without my legs giving away and crumbling down.

And as I stand, unable to say anything like the pathetic loser that I am, I see a pained expression on Seven's face when he turns around and sees me.

And the expression remains, until he looks down, then turns to face Saeran.

I don't hear what he said, but Saeran turns his back to face me as well, and the two walk up to me.

"Hey."

"Hi."

Silence welcomes us for a couple seconds, and I don't have the guts to look at Seven; instead, I glance at Saeran. He looks healthy and fresh and has a little smile on his face.

_You needed to be saved too, I'm so glad you're safe._

_You deserve to have that smile, you need it._

_You both have each other now, you both have family, and that's one of the most beautiful things in the world._

_Congratulations,_  I want to say, but I don't have the will to do so.

"Saeran had something to say to you." Seven's voice says, and I take a glance at him. His face is expressionless, and Saeran takes a look at his brother.

"I hope you don't mind, but gimme a second alone with her, will you?"

"Don't... Don't do anything funny, I'm warning you." Seven says before goes to stand near where he parked his car.

"You must think it's weird for me to talk to you." Saeran begins, and I shake my head.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry. For involving you in this, for trying to kidnap you... Everything." Saeran's pupils tremble before he closes his eyes.

The next thing I know, he slides an arm behind my back and draws me close to him.

"I owe you." Saeran whispers, his arms around my shoulders.

"I can't thank you enough."

Tears begin to form in the corners of my eyes when I recall the feeling of Seven's embrace.

_It's not the same, it will never be the same..._

_But why the hell am I crying?_

_Don't let them see that you're such a weak piece of shit..._

"I know you love Saeyoung, and I am so glad because you both deserve to be happy together."

_But I'm not happy, Saeran, can't you see?_

"Thank you for saving my brother. Thank you for helping him save me." Saeran continues, and I see that Seven, at a distance, is staring at us.

"I didn't do anything..." I croak, wiping my face with my free hand.

"You did everything. I'm so thankful." He has to say and moves away.

"I'm sorry for that... That was uncalled for ehehe." Saeran adds. He then motions for Seven to come by.

"You have some things you want to tell him, right?"

_Do I?_

_Really?_

Seven walks up to us and waits until Saeran takes a few steps back.

And as I look up at Seven's face, I have to make use of every fibre of my being to not burst out crying.

_Say something... Anything..._

"I wanted to meet you one last time."

_Last time?_

_Last...?_

If there was one word I was terrified of, that was the one.

And he had used it on me.

"I wanted to apologise in person."

_No, stop it, Seven._

_No more._

_Please, I'm begging you._

"It was so wrong, and selfish of me... But I wanted you to ... remember me."

_I'd remember you even if you kept pushing me away._

"I was afraid that you'd forget me... And I gave in."

_How could I forget you?_

"Maybe the words I chose were wrong... I wish there was a way I could make up to you..."

_Kiss me._

_Please._

_And tell me you love me._

"I can't love you the way you wanted to be loved, I can't treat you well the way Zen or Jumin, or even Yoosung could. My work won't let me... I can't just keep you with me knowing that..."

_Then leave the Agency..._

_We can do something together, instead of staying there, doing something you hate._

_Don't leave me..._

_Please..._

"I... I can't look at you for now. I have to go." Seven says, in a flat tone.

_No, please..._

_Come back!_

_If you love me, do it gently...._

_I can't take it anymore..._

"I'm so sorry..."

_No._

_Stop..._

_I still have so much more love to give to you..._

_I can't be sane without you..._

_Please don't leave me..._

_Please..._

There were so many things I wanted to say, and yet my voice would not come out. As I watched the way he walked off, my legs lose its will to stand, and give away. Saeran, who had not yet left runs up to me and sits in front of me.

"I don't know what happened between you two, but I have a feeling it's my fault."

_No, it's not._

_It's not Seven's fault, either..._

_It's all my fault, Saeran, stop blaming yourself._

_Tell Seven not to blame himself, either..._

"And I told you right? That I owe you?"

With tear filled eyes, all I can do is nod in response.

"Please wait. I know it'll be hard to wait but just do. I need some time, and I'll help you. I'll fix this for you, so trust me."

"Ok," is all I can say, my eyes filling up with tears.

Saeran takes his hand off from my shoulders and helps me stand up.

"I'll have to go now... I'll keep my word, though, so please hang in there." He wishes me well, and I watch the way he climbs into Seven's car.

Within the next minute, the car speeds up and off goes the love of my life, away from my sight of vision.

_Saeran, do you really think you can change the way Seven thinks?_

_Do you even realise how hard I tried?_

_I tried...._

And even though my heart still aches at the thought...

I regret not being able to tell Seven one thing that kept me going, all the way up till now.

_I kind of, sort of, really liked you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE LOGS ARE OVERRRRRR
> 
> if you've been reading the author's notes at the end, you will know that this is the last log on the diary app, but there will be three more chapters (as an epilogue) that i will be writing as a combination of first and third points, so that i can write about 707's feelings !! manhi kidari juseyo ! c:
> 
> i received the rfa vip package today, and i'm a happy bean !!


	15. ｢log code; epilogue.1｣ || day 29, 12.32am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the long await saeyoung's epilogues i'm hy p e d ! !

Seven's feelings were killing him inside.

If he could ask for one wish; that would be...

_To be loved, and to be in love._

As he stared at the 1's and 0's on his screen, he could only let out a deep sigh.

_What have I done?_

_Oh God, what have I done to her?_

Seven rests his back against the chair, turning his head around when he sees Saeran come inside with takeout.

"Saeyoung, I bought them."

When he hears no reply from the hacker, Saeran places the bag on the kitchen counter and walks up to Seven.

"Are you thinking about-"

"I told you not to bring up her name." Seven snaps at his brother, and stands up, his hands buried deep into his jacket pockets. Saeran blinks a couple times before he sighs in reply.

"You need help."

That is all he says before he goes to have his lunch.

Seven stands in his spot, and for the umpteenth time in his life, he wishes that he could just die already.

Ever since  _she_  came to the RFA, there wasn't a single moment of the day where he didn't think about her.

He couldn't deny the fact that he loved her beyond words, probably even more than he could ever express.

He wanted to slap himself for the words he had chosen to say.

_'It was wrong of me'? Are you kidding me? What were you really sorry for?_

_You should have told her you loved her, but that you couldn't let her get hurt by the Agency!_

_That you didn't regret anything you did, but you were sorry that you couldn't go on giving her more of what she deserved?_

Seven's heart throbs painfully when he recalls the sad expression on her face, the tears that spilt out, he wanted to wipe them away and tell her that it will be okay.

But that was the thing; he wasn't sure of it himself. How can he promise something he was unsure of?

And when he had heard that she had overdosed herself and was admitted to the hospital, he could not hold himself.

He had sneaked out at 3 am when everyone was sleeping, visited her when no one else was around and stayed until 7 am just watching her face, before rushing back home before Saeran woke up.

His work for the Agency was getting delayed, but he now had the will to finish it.

He felt like he had a  _reason._

With a clenched fist, he sits back down and resumes his work.

 

* * *

 

"Finally!" Seven stretches himself, a hint of satisfaction on his face while the email loaded and got sent.

A pop-up appears on his screen, and for the first time in a very long while, a genuine smile plasters on his face when he pressed the 'ok' option.

Sighing, he stands up and calls for his twin brother.

"Saeyoung? What's going on?"

"Come here."

When Saeran steps out, Seven shows the screen to him and smiles.

"I left the Agency."

_I wouldn't have been able to do it if she didn't give me her support for so long..._

_I'm so grateful for her..._

"You... What?"

"I finally left the Agency. Now I am free to take care of you.... To have a family..."

"And to love her? Is that what you wanted to say?" Saeran wants to know, sitting down beside him.

Seven looks down at the keyboard, unsure of what to say to that.

"What happened with the two of you?"

Seven was the kind of person who hesitated a lot before talking about his feelings. It was embarrassing, and he always wanted to just shove it away somewhere.

But in front of him, he saw that it was his brother, his twin brother. If he couldn't confide in him about this, then who else did he have?

And that is how he found himself telling his brother about everything, starting from the day she first popped into his life.

How hard she had tried, and how she did succeed, how every time she laughed, he fell for her even more...

All the harsh things he had said to her, all his regrets...

Everything.

"Saeran, I love her." Seven's voice is wobbly when he's done, and his brother closes his eyes and lets out an exhale.

"You should be telling her that, not me." He points out.

"But she's going to hate me for what I did.... I want her so much that it's driving me insane. I want her to move in with me and stay here, right here, I don't want anyone to touch her, even you."

Saeran raises an eyebrow at the last part. "Then... tell her that. I'm not the best person for you to ask love advice from, but I can at least tell that you have a lot of things you'll need to tell her."

"I made her a diary app and told her not to tell her feelings to me, and write on that instead."

Saeran's eyes go wide at this information.

"Did she use it?"

"Yeah. She used it a lot. Sometimes, I had to tell her to keep her phone away because she's always tapping on it. Why?"

"Have you ever read it?" Saeran asks a question back, and Seven furrows his eyebrows.

"No. Why would I? It's a diary, Saeran."

"It's probably filled with things about you." The boy has to say, and he stands up and leaves.

Leaving Seven in turmoil over what to do.

_Should I read it?_

_I have to make up with her... I have to at least apologise properly for what I did..._

_Does she hate me?_

There was only one way to find out, and Seven found himself giving in once again.

_How selfish I've become ever since I met her..._

_And yet, I want even more..._

And he opens up his computer once again, promising himself that this would be the last time he ever hacked into anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aHHH it's gonna b fun next u guys r gonna luv it
> 
>  
> 
> (i hope)


	16. ｢log code; epilogue.2｣ || day 30, 23.15pm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a note at the end !!

Seven struggled with the codes on his visual display unit.

When he had programmed the diary app, he had used random numbers for encryption, so it was hard, even for him, to trace the passlock.

With a failed attempt yesterday, and having submitted his resignation letters today, Seven sat down at his desk, this time with the determination that he will not sleep until he got this done.

_I wonder if she's asleep now..._

After a quick glance at the CCTV footage, he turns back to his program.

Saeran had stepped out at one point, peering over to his side while he tried to crack the codes with all his might.

_I miss her so much..._

_And it's barely been a week._

_How am I going to be sane without her?_

When he sees Saeran place some coffee and sandwiches on the desk, he apologises for snapping at his brother the day before.

A small smile is plastered on Saeran's face, and he gives a little nod in reply.

"You can do it."

"Yeah. I will."

And 15 hours later, the very first log is enough to break him down.

 

* * *

 

Sometimes, even though you lose the will to go on with life, you are forced to go on.

You'd yank yourself up from bed, take a stupid shower, put some damn clothes on, and drag yourself to school, or work, whichever.

After a tiring day, I come to the comfort of the apartment and take a shower before I head to the kitchen to have some bagels.

There is no point to go on, and yet, I have no choice.

Three bagels disappear by the time there is a rough knock on my door.

Slouching, I open the door to be welcomed by Saeran Choi.

"May I come in?" He asks, and when I move away, he steps in.

"I came to tell you that your diary app got hacked into." He has to say after he takes a seat and I offer him a bagel.

"My.. How did you know I have a diary app?"

"That's not important. Can I use your computer system?" He asks. When I give him a nod, he wipes his hand on a tissue and walks to the system.

"Saeran, what's going on?" I ask, watching him type some things on the computer.

"Gimme a second." He says.

Seconds pass by, probably even minutes, before he pokes my shoulder.

"See that?"

"Yeah?" I ask, peering over to the screen.

"It traces back to Saeyoung's apartment."

I squint my eyes at Saeran.

"Eh? Who would hack from there? Unless... Saeran, did you hack into-"

"I cannot BELIEVE you, you're just like Saeyoung!" He cries. He then notices the smile forming on my face that I try to hide.

"I didn't mean it as a compliment." He tries to say as calmly as possible.

"Saeyoung is reading your journal. See?"

_Seven?_

When I look at the last log, it shows that it had been last accessed 2 minutes ago.

"Seven is reading my diary log? Wait- SEVEN IS READING MY DIARY?" I end up yelling really loud and grab my phone as fast as I can.

_I can't let him read it!_

_I can't, I can't..._

"Oh Lord, why is he hacking into an app  _he_  made? Saeran, please ask him to stop!"

"Why would I ask him to stop when I'm the one who urged him to hack into it?"

I shoot a glare at him, confused.

"Why would you do that?" I cry, opening the app.

Saeran opens his mouth to answer, but before that, I hear my phone giving a small beep.

_That's strange... I could have sworn I stopped after thirteen logs..._

So when I notice an untitled log appearing at the end, I glance back up at Saeran.

He has a small smile on his face before he urges me to continue reading. One by one, words begin to appear on the screen, and I realise that somebody is typing a new log in the app.

> _"Hey... It's me. Seven."_

My eyes go wide, and my fingers begin to tremble as I watch the way the word 'Seven' gets erased.

> _"Saeyoung."_
> 
> _"It's me. Saeyoung."_

"Saeran, what's going on?" I ask, looking up at him.

"Saeyoung was breaking by himself, you know." He lets me know. "He needs you, probably even more than you think you need him."

> _"I know I have a lot of things to apologise for, but I'll tell you the most important thing first."_
> 
> _"I'm sorry I didn't tell you something very important all along."_
> 
> _"I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I love you."_

"Saeran, I have to go to him!"

He gives a nod in response, and I glance back at the screen.

> _"I want to slap myself so many times for what I did, and I know that you would never be able to forgive me. I wouldn't forgive myself either."_

"He's blaming himself... Please tell him to stop, it's not his fault..."

"You tell him."

> _"But I can only hope that you understand that I did it for you. To make sure you're safe... But I know I should have been more thoughtful about the way I chose my words."_

"I'm going right now," I say, grabbing my purse. "Lock up the apartment for me!"

"No, you're not. Keep that purse right here."

> _"I love you so much that it's insane"_

"Eh?" My voice comes out shaky, but when he pulls out a pair of car keys from his pocket, I drop the purse immediately.

> " _I can't think straight, and I can't stop wondering what you're doing, I can't stop looking at the CCTV hoping that you'd randomly pass by..."_

"Saeyoung will kill me for taking one of his cars without telling him, especially since I don't even have a driver's license. But that's not important, we're hitting the road right now!" He says, switching off the lights and I follow him outside.

> _"I'm so sorry for breaking your heart that way..."_

"Saeran, why are you doing this?" I cry, watching the way he punches the buttons to the lift. Cursing under his breath, he motions for me to follow him and we race down the flight of stairs.

> _"I'm so sorry for hacking into this."_

"I told you, didn't I? It's kinda my fault you both are in this mess. I owe you, and this is my way of returning the favour for you two."

> _"I'm sorry for hurting your feelings."_

"Are you ready?" Saeran asks, and I nod after fastening my seat belt.

> _"I'm sorry for making you cry."_

The next thing I know, Saeran starts the engine, and the race-car speeds up; Meanwhile, I try to keep calm as more of Seven's words kept on getting typed into my log.

> _"How I wish I could do something in return for the love of my life."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oml u guys idk if i mentioned this before but my goal for this book was to let at least one of the readers be so excited about this book that they would fangirl about it to their friends or sth lol een wyd
> 
> also, if anyone is confused about this chapter, the parts blockquoted and in italic are the ones that seven is writing after he hacked in AHHHHHHH 


	17. ｢log code; epilogue.3｣ || day 31, 16.28am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellllllo welcome to the final chapter of this book!
> 
> if you want a bad end, please go straight to the next chapter and skip this !! otherwise, keep reading !!

My life is not a soap opera, and I realise this the minute we hit traffic when we hit the main road.

"Oh great, I forgot it's the rush hour, and I can barely drive this." Saeran mumbles. "How the heck does Saeyoung even use this thing, I can't even."

> _"All my life I had believed that I would never deserve a love so pure like yours, and yet there you are... Do you really like me that much?"_

"There's still thirty or so blocks to go, what do we do?!"

"I'm getting off!" I say, and Saeran stares at me as if I am crazy.

"You can't just run like that!"

"I can't just sit here!" I argue back when the cell phone lets out another beep.

> _"I want to cherish you."_

Sighing, Saeran unlocks the door for me.

"Oh, wait, one more thing."

"Yeah?"

"Call him Saeyoung when you see him. He'll probably get a kick out of it."

And as I give a smile to the twin brother of the boy I was in love with, I can't help but thank the Lord that we were on good terms.

I was so thankful, that I had found people who were willing to go an extra mile for me and to acknowledge my feelings.

The RFA has helped me so much, and I was happy to help them in return.

Now that I've helped Saeran... Only Seven remains.

> _"You have no idea how much I love you now."_

"Don't worry, Saeran," I say, stepping out of the car. "I will never give up on my love. It's way too strong for that."

"Stop telling me cringe-worthy things and just go." He replies, and I rush off, thanking him once again.

> _"I think it is safe to say that 707... Luciel... Saeyoung... all of me... they're all yours now."_

It felt as if Seven planned on killing me with his words right there, and my slipper almost gets stuck in one of the cobblestones as I try to run like a lunatic.

And when I reach the porch, I realise that I do not have an Arabic dictionary to get into his apartment.

_Crap, this is bad. I should have brought Saeran too..._

When I try to type on the log Seven was writing on, I find that I can't write anything on it. Figuring that Seven made the app such that it can be used by one user per time, I let out a loud groan.

As I stand, mentally cursing in fifteen languages, my eyes dart to the CCTV camera a little further away from his door.

It would probably have been a thousand times better to just ring the doorbell.

Not even thousand, maybe even a million times more.

And yet, I found myself hauling my cell phone at the CCTV camera.

_Was I insane?_

_Was I officially losing my mind?_

_Was it because of the messages I got from Seven?_

I don't have the time to regret what I did, because the door opens, and Seven steps out, a confused look plastered on his face.

"What just happe- Oh.  _Oh._  OH."

And when I run up to him, he opens his arms out wide, twirling me around once before he pulls me closer to his body.

"Y-You're here!" He cries when he hears my sobbing.

"Sev- Saeyoung, I'm here," I say, his familiar warm embrace melting me right in the spot.

"Don't leave ever again... Please, I won't ever ask you to leave, never ever." He whispers into my ear, and I stand on my toes as I take an inhale of his skin;  _oh how much I missed this, how much I craved for this..._

"Yes, don't you dare, because if you do, I will slap your face." I sniffle, the metal of his cross necklace pressed against my nose.

"You have the right to." He laughs a little, softly pecking on the side of my neck.

"You gave me the will to go on, what am I without you? I'm so sorry. What have I done to you?"

"There's something else you should be saying instead of apologising..." I say, in between sniffling.

"Yes, you're right... I love you. Oh God, I love you so much. I love you."

And even though he had already said the words to me on the diary app, more tears form in my eyes at that.

The words he hadn't said to me for so long, now he was saying them to me, and he was sure of it.

"I'm so afraid of you forgetting me, and I just... Oh God, I love you."

"I'm going to remember you forever, so don't you dare say anything about me forgetting you."

"...Yes, please do. I'd want to live a day more just to be remembered by you."

A big smile plasters on my face when he says this, and I don't need to see his face to know that he too, had one on his face.

The genuine smile, a smile because he was happy deep within...

And it was because of me, and for that, I was so happy that I didn't even have the words to express the way I felt.

"I love you. I love you so much that I want more of you even when you're with me... God, look how greedy you've made me. For the first time, there's something I desperately want, and it's you."

"Seven..."

"I want to see your face, but at the same time, I don't want you to see mine now... I'm giving you a second, so come inside when you've calmed yourself." He says, turning around before I could face him. I can see him wiping his face after he turns around, and I rub my face on my sleeve before picking up my cell phone and hurrying back inside.

And when I do, I see that I had dampened the front of his shirt by my tears, and I look down, embarrassed.

"I'm sorry I broke your CCTV..."

"It doesn't matter. I don't need that anymore because I left the Agency now."

"Eh? Really? Why?"

Seven takes both of my hands and pulls me towards him. He then places a soft kiss on my forehead and looks at me, his gaze so intense that I could feel it pierce right through me.

"So that I can take care of you."

My legs begin to tremble, and I can feel my face heat up at that.

It was so embarrassing, but so right at the same time, the way his lips worked their way pressed against mine, how warm he felt, and how much I needed him...

And he needed me just as much, and knowing that could make me die happy just with that satisfaction.

"What do you want to do now?" I ask as we lie down on his bed, looking up at the glow-in-the-dark stars and space shuttles on his ceiling.

"What I want is your everything. I love you."

"Permission granted. I love you too, Saeyoung."

Seven lets out a little chuckle. "I never thought I would be the kind of person who would say cheesy things like this... And yet... You..." His arms around my waist tightens, and our noses come in contact.

"All of me... It's yours now. I will never let you go.... Even if you ask me to."

"I would never, Saeyoung...That's how hard I've fallen for you. Even if your opinion changes, I'd still want to spend the rest of forever with you."

I don't know if it's the warmth of his body or the genuineness of his smile that gets rid of my fear for the future... But really, once again I began to believe that everything will be okay.

And this time, I was sure of it myself and had Seven confirm it for me himself.

"We're going to have a small wedding at the space station." I remind him, and his fingers intertwine with mine.

"We will."

And now, Seven wants me to delete the diary app... Because, as he said, "Whatever you want to say to me, whether it's your feelings for me or anything else, tell me directly. I want to hear everything."

Knowing that people would say that they'd leave their hearts open for days, and yet remain empty...

That's a lie.

Everyone, no matter how lousy, or useless you think you are, how much you belittle yourself... Even though you think you don't deserve anything, even if you give up on everything...

There would always, always be that one person, who'd never give up on you.

And even when you let them look inside of you, through all the scars, all the cracks...

Through all the good, and all the bad...

That one person would always choose to stick with you despite the flaws, and probably love you even more.

How beautiful it was, that for Seven, that person was me.

And for me, it was him.

And in between smiles and healing hearts, he leans closer and whispers something into my ear.

_"You've changed my binary world."_

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> th a nk you for reading chasing the clouds!
> 
> there's a bad ending in the next chapter for those of you who wanted one! i'm such a nice author-nim amirite


	18. ｢log error; epilogue.3｣ || day unconfirmed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> elo it's een
> 
> to all my beautiful readers who requested the angst ending for this book/who wanted fluff but also wanted an alternate option to choose whether they want an angst too. here you go!
> 
> this is unofficial, the fluff ending is the original ending, but let's just say that this is a bad end? lol. Idk to write angst kms (╬●∀●) 
> 
> anyhow, i'm so thankful for the support. i love you all for the support! (▰˘◡˘▰)

You know the kind of people who say life sucks, love sucks, everything is useless, and all of those things people label as 'emo' things?

I felt as if I had become one of those kinds of people, a rotten person who only had nothing to do but to go on with life.

But when you try your hardest and life still continues to be the asshole that it is, you just can't help but to snap, right?

That runs through my mind when we hit the traffic as soon as we hit the main road.

"Oh great. I forgot it's rush hour, and I can barely drive this." I hear Saeran mumble under his breath, squinting his eyes at the controls on the sports car. "How the heck does Saeyoung even use this thing, I can't even."

And as he continues his silent mumblings- or so, he wished - another beep on my smart phone makes me glance at the screen.

> _"All my life I had believed that I would never deserve a love so pure like yours, and yet there you are... Do you really like me that much?"_

"There's still thirty or so blocks to go, what do we do?!"

"I'm getting off!" I say, and Saeran stares at me as if I am crazy.

"You can't just run like that!"

"I can't just sit here!" I argue back taking off my seat belt.

I didn't think Saeran would understand how I felt, and I couldn't blame him.

The feeling of everything that meant to you, crumbling to ashes... especially when you had no idea why. The feeling of wanting to kill yourself, but going on and accepting it as fate.

The feeling of being so close to the person who meant everything to you, but knowing that you could never be with him again... and because of the fact that you  _knew_  the feeling, and how much it meant to you... There was no going back.

_Oh Seven, please wait for me. I'm coming for you._

Even if I had to risk everything, to see his face, to see him again...

Even that much gives me the will to open the door; before the smartphone lets out another beep.

> _"I want to cherish you."_

_Please stop blaming yourself, Seven..._

"No. You can't just go, there's too much traffic blocking your way." Saeran furrows his eyebrows, looking at the GPS system installed. "We can try making a turn."

Even though I was not keen on the idea, I decide to listen to his suggestion while he manoeuvres the car back, tapping the GPS system.

"We're taking the other road over there." He says, turning the steering wheel as he does so. "I promised you, so I will take you to my brother."

Or so says the sloppy driver- But I couldn't argue with him, after all. He did come to save me, the way he promised. The fact that he needed a driver's licence could be kept a lowkey secret for a while, for all I cared.

> _"You have no idea how much I love you now."_

"God, just keep that screen away from my face." Saeran sticks a tongue out, disgusted by the amount of fluff that erupted out of nowhere. At this point, the tears that had gathered at the corner of my eyes begin to fall, and I take off my fuzzing glasses, putting them in the compartment block.

"The distance is longer from here, but the traffic is less. We'll make it soon."

_Oh, Seven. Please wait for me. Stop blaming yourself and let me tell you that I love you too._

"Saeran, I want to go as soon as possible too, but please be careful while you drive. It'll be worse if we get pulled over, and we could go to jail if something happens, considering neither of us have a driver's license."

"I know the risks." He says, placing his feet on the brakes to slow down before passing a block. "I know, and you know that too, don't you? And you're here, even though you knew that well."

I'm at a loss for words as I watched the 21-year old twin brother of Seven's. Saeran doesn't say much, but he knows that when he does, he ends up saying things that can make a person think about it for a whole week straight. That was the kind of person he grew up to be, and I can't help but give him a lopsided grin. He taps the GPS system, squinting his eyes, and looking at my direction when my phone lets out a beep.

> _"I think it is safe to say that 707... Luciel... Saeyoung... all of me... they're all yours now."_

It felt as if Seven planned on killing me with his words right there, and I shift in my seat, watching the way Saeran accelerates. It was easy to tell that he was panicking, and it made me happy that he cared so much about how his brother feels.

"You're happy to be back with Seven, right?"

"You should call him Saeyoung from now on. He'll get a kick out of it."

I can see my face reddening from the rear-view mirror. It was funny how Saeran changed the subject so easily and made me too embarrassed to utter anything else. Of course, I was aching to be in Seven's arms, the ones that made me feel so warm, so cosy, and so at home.

I  _needed_  home.

 

* * *

 

> _"I think it is safe to say that 707... Luciel... Saeyoung... all of me... they're all yours now."_

Meanwhile, Seven sat on his swivelling chair, wondering what else to type. He wondered if he sent too many cringe-worthy things, but he was more panicked when he feels that she wouldn't read that anymore.

His heartbeat got up as he tried to express all his love for her.

> _You and I could explore space together._
> 
> _I must follow my heart and confess my love for you._

Seven knew that if Saeran saw what he was writing, he would probably stick a tongue out in disgust. It made him chuckle, a little determination suddenly spreading through himself.

> _Okay, I got one more, final thing to say._
> 
> _"I love you so much. This is selfish of me to say so, but... I want to properly ask you to date me. Please let me."_

After he typed it down, he presses the 'save' button. A pop-up makes him raise an eyebrow.

_'Unfortunately, 7-Oh-DiaryLogger.exe has stopped responding..'_

_Huh?_   Seven's eyes squint at his smartphone.  _Did it crash? Did she open the app just now?_ Suddenly, Seven felt himself tense up, nervousness hitting right away at the thought that she might be reading it now.

 _Well, I hope she notices this and reads it, the very least. Even if she doesn't want to have anything to do with me, anymore. I can't blame her for thinking that, but I hope at least my feelings for her gets cleared._  He wishes, reaching for the nearest Honey Butter Chip packet. As he waited aimlessly for any kind of contact, he opens up his computer system.

 _Why did the diary crash?_  As a person who hated unfinished business, he couldn't get himself to get some rest until he managed to fix the diary app. Seven knew that she hadn't written in the app for days, but just in case... just in case, he opened his error logger to see what the problem was.

The noise of his apartment lock opening makes him look up from the codes on his visual display unit.

"Saeyoung?" He hears a familiar voice ask, and he peeks out from the glass windows, to see Vanderwood entering the apartment.

"Heya Mary Vand-"

"Shut up."

Seven chuckles, watching his friend coming up to where he sat.

"Where's that red sports car of yours that you posted pictures of on FB?" The brown-haired male wants to know, and Seven looks away from the screen.

"It's where it always is. Why?"

"It's not," Vanderwood confirms, making Seven raise an eyebrow. He opens the CCTV footage for his garage and stands up immediately when he sees that his car- his favourite on, of all- was missing. He opens the drawer under the system, and his eyes widen as soon as he sees that his keys are gone.

_If the key is missing too..._

Realisation hits, his eyes dilating while they look at the man before him.

"Vanderwood! Please activate the GPS system for my car and stay here!" He requests, grabbing his car keys. Without waiting to hear the confused questioning by the brunette, Seven goes out of his apartment, running the entire way to the garage. Turning the car on, he switched on the GPS system on the screen. His car, he saw, was on the run, and Seven wondered just why on Earth his brother would steal his keys.

_If Saeran wanted to go somewhere, he could have just asked me. I would have dropped him off._

_Or, does he want to learn to drive? He should have just aske-_

Seven's clutch on the steering wheel tightens when he sees the GPS history.

Saeran had gone to Rika's apartment.

And the GPS states that the car Saeran was on was currently on the move... Its destination was locked to Seven's apartment.

_You idiot. You saw me writing in the log, didn't you?_

_You're trying to bring her here to make me happy, aren't you?_

_That's just like him. Taking the duties silently and trusting everything else blindly._

Sighing, Seven starts the engine, the firing sound making him shudder before he makes his way to follow his car. He felt uneasy for some reason but shrugged it off as he passed the first three blocks.

_There are so many people blogging about how love wins._

_I hope she feels my love, and that my love for her,_ _our_ _love for each other, wins too._

"Destination car, 1.03km away-meow." His GPS system, which was an original creation of his, says in a cat voice. It makes him smile. He couldn't wait to show it to her.

 _And Saeran is going to riot when he hears the meows._ He chuckles to himself until he hears the buzzing noise of the cat GPS.

"Sensor error-meow."

Raising an eyebrow, he glances at the system and is shocked to find that the screen had gone blank. Deciding that Vanderwood messed up at one point, he took his Bluetooth headphones, sticking it to his left ear and focusing on the read.

Vanderwood picks up on the fifth ring.

"Eh? What is it?"

"Mary Vanderwood, why isn't the GPS working?"

Seven could hear the man let out a grunt. From the noises he heard, he could tell that the brunette was walking to where the system was.

"Oh. Gimme a second."

"I'm going to stay on hold, then."

Not knowing where Saeran was driving made him annoyed, and travelling one whole kilometre just to find him felt fruitless. They could miss each other out, and Seven wondered if he should just turn back and go back home.

Whether it was an intuition or a simple thing such as an urge, he adjusts his glasses and speeds up.

"Saeyoung? I'm not sure what's wrong. There could be some fault in the wave emissions. I'll try to cancel them out."

"Wave emissions...? Okay, thanks, Vanderwood."

Seven takes off his headphone, now focusing on the road. He knew that the car was somewhere in the road he was currently on, but the fact that he didn't know exactly where, and when they would take a turn; that made his toes curl while he softly played his favourite song from the music player.

The GPS system was still pitch black, often showing a bright yellow wave-like flash, and the constant noise of the meows made Seven a bit annoyed. Maybe he shouldn't have done that cat voice thing, after all.

A couple minutes later, Vanderwood calls again, asking the boy to restart the system. He had to admit, he was getting irritated, and he punched the buttons and took a U-turn, deciding to head back to the road he was on before.

But when the GPS screen loaded back again, what he saw was the dots for both his car and the one Saeran was on, coming in contact.

"SAEYOUNG, THE CAR IS-"

And when he looked up to the front in horror, the last thing he sees is the car approaching and crashing right into his own.

"Oh my _Lord_."

 

* * *

 

Zen and Jumin stepped out of the doctor's room, and Yoosung glances at Seven. There he sat, not moving an inch, while his hands clutched handfuls of his hair. Yoosung and Jaehee, who had also been sitting out in the waiting room for a while now, fidget in their seats, standing up immediately when they saw the two males approaching them.

"Mr.Han, is he okay?"

Everyone had miserable expressions on their faces, ever since the doctor first stepped out of the ICU with bad news about her.

_'She had with her a phone that transmitted some dangerous infrared waves. I think that's why her burns were fatal. I'm sorry we couldn't save her. We tried out best. We're sorry for your loss.'_

Nobody was ready for one more of that, especially Seven.

Jaehee's hushed prayers make Yoosung's teary eyes more swollen. Everyone was waiting to hear what Jumin had to say.

"Saeran is alive.." Jumin inform, making Seven's eyes close shut before he stands up. Jaehee and Yoosung's sighs fill the air, but Jumin was not yet done speaking. "He has third-degree burns, and the doctor added that his feet were numb. It had to be amputated."

"A-Amputated? Does that mean his feet are  _gone_...?" Yoosung stares horrified, and Jaehee gives a small, sad nod.

"The police wants to talk to him about the engine fire. But when Saeran found out what happened," Zen adds, "He refused to talk to us."

There is silence before everyone turns to face Seven.

"Saeyoung, go see him. He needs you."

_Will he, really? After it was my fault that he can't ever walk anymore?_

_If anything had to happen, why didn't it happen to me? Why didn't I die? Why did this have to happen with the two people that meant the world to me?_

Sliding the door the ICU, Seven steps inside, following the nurse who led him to his brother's unit. Saeran is conscious, leaning against the bedpost. When he hears the noise of the door sliding to his unit, his glance darts to Seven, before his pupils begin to tremble.

_Why, God, why?_

"Saeyoung..." Saeran watches the way his brother takes a seat beside his.

"Did she...?"

Seven's silence is confirmation enough.

_You loved me with a love so unselfish... That even I am jealous._

_I thought I was the only one... and yet, you proved me wrong._

_I crave to hold you in my arms, this time, I want to have evidence that_ _you_ _existed... I want you to_ _exist_ _._  

He wanted to scream. He wanted to yell, he wanted to smash everything within his reach.

But his body refused to listen. Not a single muscle budged. He opened his mouth, but no voice came out.

The fact that the engine caught fire... And no one could save the two from the inevitable fate that awaited.

Seven hated himself for losing consciousness right as he hit the car. If only he didn't.... If only he was able to climb out of the car and haul the two out before it burst into flames...

_She would have been saved..._

_Saeran wouldn't have had to face this..._

_Why did they save me? They should have kept me where I was and let me die there too._

"I'm... S-Sorry." Saeran manages to say. Seven had no idea how to respond to him, he was too busy bursting into tears as he held his brother tight.

"Saeran...What have I done to you both? Oh God, Saeran, she's no longer here with me anymore.  _This is my fault_."

"No...I deserved this... for driving with her when I can't ..."

Seven can feel the front of his shirt dampening, and he sees that Saeran was shedding tears from the corner of his eyes. "Saeran, what am I going to do without her?"

He had been crying so much, that his eyes refused to produce any more tears. His eyelids were swollen, they ached with every blink; clearly exhausted. He wanted to drop to his knees, no longer did he have the will to do anything, even the most minor thing as breathing made him cry.

"Saeyoung... I'm so sorry... I couldn't fulfil my promise..."

And the two brothers sobbed, drowning in the guilt engraving deeper and deeper within their hearts.

 

* * *

 

"Saeyoung, we will give you a lift." Jumin offers. Shaking his head, Seven raises a hand to decline, making his way out of the chapel as soon as he did so. And when he did, he stepped on soft soil, the soles of his shoes getting stuck to the heavy viscosity of the soil.

_Great._

Outside, it was raining. The pitter-patter of the rain on the hard concrete roads echo in his ears as he walked aimlessly, his shoes muddy from having stepped on multiple puddles. His will to live...It had vanished, with no more traces; similar to the way he had all three of his cars just a month ago and now? They were all gone.

Seven wondered if people are stupid, to be happy in pursuing materialistic things. They never make people genuinely happy, he wished people understood that.

_I'm so sorry I couldn't be yours._

All the memories came back, but she never did. 

He waited and waited, for someone to say it was a nightmare, a hallucination. That he was imagining things. But she never came back. Nothing was the same anymore, and he needed to understand that.

The feeling, of falling down, waiting to hit the ground.... And he waited and waited, but it was never-ending. It was a nightmare, one that he would never wake up from.

Seven stopped talking.

'Saeyoung, say something.'

_Say something?_

_'You want me to say something?_

_How do I say anything when I have nothing to say? What do you want me to say? That I'm happy?_

Exactly three weeks after V had passed away, today, Seven attended the funeral of the person he loved the most. He didn't know which fact had made him unable to say a single thing when he had been asked to read his eulogy; the fact that he would not only see the love of his life ever again, or the fact that Saeran, in the guilt of him being responsible for her death, had stabbed himself just hours before the said funeral.

"Saeyoung, please say something."

_'You loved me more beautifully than the way the rain feels on a warm, lazy night. You loved me more unconditionally than the way the sun comes up and shines brightness through the darkness. You loved me more irrevocably than the way the moon gives hope, that even in the pitch blackness, there'd be light.'_

_How could I have done that to you, someone so pure like you?_

Everywhere Seven looked, all he saw was black. Darkness. Fear. Everywhere he walked in, all he heard was echoing of painful voices in his head.

_If God wanted us to separate, then why did He bring us together in the first place?_

And every time he was alone, all he could think about was her.

Dark nights had started to become his companion. He had nothing left.

_And if God wanted me to take care of my brother, why did He never give me the proper chance to?_

Seven believed that there were two things in life that gave him the motivation to believe in himself.... And the motivation to live, after having everything broken for so long...

_I always kept the pain inside of me because, even if it broke me, I didn't want to break anyone else._

_I was standing on a line between giving up, and seeing how much more I can take..._

_Until I found you. Until you told me, that I mustn't give up... That I had your support._  

_That you will love me, even when I gave up on everything._

And yet, he now had not one, but both of them taken away from his clutches.

And he had only himself, to blame.

_I knew it. I knew, that me trying to be happy was like chasing the clouds..._

_I knew it, and yet... I_ _craved_ _to be happy._

And while he stood outside his apartment, looking at the scattered stars and the clouds that had fuzzed up in the black sky, he is reminded of something else that had broken his heart.

A pop-up welcoming his smartphone's home screen, when he had finally managed to fix the diary app back at home.

_'Unfortunately, 7-Oh-DiaryLogger.exe was not able to save any of your recent logs.'_

* * *

 

• " _We loved with a love that was greater than love_." - Edgar Allan Poe •

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the band end is 3.5k words.... wowwwwwwwwww
> 
> there's an afterword after this where i yell... it's not that important but YEH.
> 
> thank you for leaving kudos and reading. i hope you enjoyed your stay !!


	19. ｢afterword｣

oml. now  _that_  was one hell of a feelsy ride. ✌.ʕʘ‿ʘʔ.✌

this book is technically my first angsty book, so that's why it kinda sucked lololol RIP een.

before going on with my bla bla, i wanted to dedicate this book to two of my special friends, ahl and halia ♥ i met them thanks to 707 lol and they are very important to me now. ♥ so yes, this book is for you both. ♥ i love you both, my smol children, and i hope you liked it! ;-; ♥

i started this book on september 02nd, and it's done today, 19th october. so... 47 days? wowh, 13 chapters + 4 extra logs lmao what even.

saeyoung's route left me in tears and the secrets 1 and 2 totally frigging broke me gdi. petition for #SaveTheChoiTwins2k16 pls.

i am so thankful for all the readers who kept on reading and commenting nice things about this book to me, i hope i managed to write up to your liking, to the very end! i am always so stoked about reading your comments right after i update because it's always so much fun! so thank you, readers! ily ♥

tysm once again! i'm so thankful for you all. i love you guys (▰˘◡˘▰)

until next book, een has gotta blast now bai bai ≧◡≦


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